From the minute the kids woke up, to the time they fell asleep, my life was all about them. Physically, I felt drained as if I had a long training day, but my muscles did not get any stronger, and I did not get any fitter. Mentally, I was fatigued as if I competed in an ironman, but my body did not produce any chemical mood enhancers like endorphins. And the anxiety! When I'm walking down a street alone or with my friends, I'm not anxious about any of us being silly and running into the street and getting hit by a car (well, most of the time). I was anxious when we walked on the streets, anxious when we were taking the subway, anxious in crowds, life just seemed so much more dangerous. I had help with the kids, and I kept thinking, hell no could I do this alone. I have no doubt that I would have gotten better at parenting, but at the end of the day, my life would be significantly different than what it is now. I have a deeper appreciation for my brother and sister, who are amazingly devoted parents. But I also have a deeper appreciation for my dad, who is still alive, for not only wanting to have me, but for also happily raising me in this world. In fact, if my dad could have it his way, all the children would still be living with him in one huge house, and he would cook for us all. The man is selfless in this way. To be a parent is to be selfless in a way that I just cannot grasp. But I must admit that as exhausted as I was after the kids left, I did find myself missing them later that night...but not enough.
